Testing limits and developing self-concept

Teenagers test limits. That’s their job. It’s also how they figure out who they are, and who they want to become.

Development of personal and interpersonal boundaries first occurs in childhood. These boundaries become clearer in adolescence. Questioning of values and self-worth, definition of consciousness, accompanied by experimentation, are normal in teenagers.

My grandmother -- a nurse -- once told me that "all teenagers are mentally
unstable." There may be some truth in this. Once we accept instability as a normal state of affairs, living with teenagers becomes much easier.

Boundaries may be defined as where "I" ends and "you" begin — which leads to the area of civil rights. Oliver Wendell Holmes referred to interpersonal boundaries when he warned, "Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins." Teenagers may still be learning where other people's noses begin, figuratively speaking.

Parents do well to recall their own youth. Holding your tongue may be hard when you feel a child is mouthing off, but thinking before responding can prevent you from reinforcing behavior that merely reflects anger.

Respecting the process of growth means allowing space to make mistakes. This can be particularly hard for parents, who must also be there to help pick up the pieces when mistakes are made. Kids’ experiments may frighten adults, but they have the ability to make choices.

Every child has skills and strengths worthy of recognition. Some kids get awards. Others feel ignored. Recognition can be as simple as conversation at the dinner table.

Taking time to attend to the interests and desires of another person, young or old, can be fun and rewarding. As a high school student 25 years ago, visiting residents in a nursing home who suffered from senile dementia shaped my own understanding of what it means to be very old.

Joining with our kids in experiences that expand knowledge can test the imagination and tolerance of adults, but the payoff can be enormous. Examples could include a visit to the Statue of Liberty, discussing what it means to be an immigrant or a cultural or sexual minority in America; or a canoe trip down the Upper Delaware, accompanied by talk of maintaining a sense of balance for survival.

Being there, attending, and communicating interest and concern, yet allowing space for privacy, is the best that caring adults can do to help a child develop a healthy sense of self.