The art and science
of relationships

By THOMAS RUE

An old proverb -- or, as the Scots say, a rede -- counsels: "An' it harm none, do as ye will."

This eight-word maxim has implications which, when plumbed to its depth, offers a rule and guild to anyone whose will it is to be "harmless" in a world of violence and despair. It can be applied to marital relations, as well as to any other type of relationship.

The rede's meaning -- while perhaps seemingly simple or hedonistic on its surface -- bears discussion because it is actually neither.

The first clause, phrased by itself thousands of years ago by the great healer, Hippocrates, states: "First, do no harm."

Beyond pacifism, the concept of harmlessness parallels Eastern and Native American ideas on the essential unity of existence. Because all thing things are connected -- "That is that, that is this." -- to harm another is to harm one's self. There is no difference. Public service is self-service. We are all one.

But what is it to do no harm? In public contexts, littering and pollution are harmful. How about spreading unkind words about a friend? What about laws or policies which intrude on private lives, diminishing individual freedom? This one requires more thought and sometimes even spirited discussion to resolved. What of violating oaths or confidences, or being unfaithful to one's principles? Lists of harmful acts at societal levels are easy to compile.

Harmful acts in family contexts are not always so easily dilineated since values differ widely. Behaviors like domestic violence, sex with strangers and other infidelities, incest, and dishonesty are all indisputably harmful -- but again, there are degrees in each spectrum. There may be wide disagreement among individuals or couples, for example, about what it means to be honest or faithful together. Such differences can usually be resolved by counseling, mediation, or simply discussion.

In his book, One Question That Can Save Your Marriage (New York: Putnam Publishing, 1991, ISBN 0-399-51669-7), author Harry Dunne, Ph.D., says the way to preserve a marriage is to ask one's self seriously and often: What is it like to be married to me?

How people treat the ones they hold most closely says much about how they view themselves. Some philosophers, including Jesus, equate behavior toward others to love of God. As the apocryphal writer Tobit -- said to be a contemporary of the Hebrew prophet Jonah -- told his son Tobias: "Do to no one what you would not want done to yourself" (chapter 4, verse 16).

Deciding what this means and implementing it is the art -- or science, if it can be called that -- of ethics: personal choices that are made, often when no one else is looking. Maurice Maeterlink said something similar when he defined religion as "what you are when you're alone with yourself."

The river of life is an eternal flow of options. Personal ethics are a rudder by which to steer the channels. Who has canoed the Upper Delaware River without an oar behind them to steer away from the rocks and weeds along the shore? Principles serve such a purpose in making even the most mundane of daily choices.

A rower paddling effectively from the stern will still occasionally scrape bottom, or even strike a rock or two along the way. But the river trip continues. Sans rudder, however, the boat gets stuck in the shallows and progress is nearly impossible.

Which brings up the second part of the rede: "Do as ye will."

As I read it, when modified by the first part, it is far from license to do whatever floats by, but what one truly wills must be done. True will conforms to the grand design of the universe. Mere whimsy, or wishing, is not the same as will. Will has the power of a mighty current behind it. True will always prevails.

Some hold that the purpose of life is to figure out how to spend the time measured out to us in a way that will have the greatest benefit to the most, and to act on that awareness. "We're here to help each other get through this thing - whatever it is," said Vonnegut.

The route to this end is through what social psychologists call mindfulness - simply put, paying attention to life's experiences and the effects of our actions.

[Tom Rue is certified as a clinical mental health counselor with a private practice in Sullivan County. He has been a regular contributor to The River Reporter since 1985. He lives in Monticello with his wife, Carmen, and two children.]

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The art and science of relationships

The art and science
of relationships