Abused elderly need not be isolated

By THOMAS RUE

Perhaps stemming from an existential fear of the certainty of our own eventual individual mortality, media images tend to glorify youthful imagery. The changes old age brings are neither light nor easy to behold.

It is common to hope to live to a ripe old age and die a natural death in full possession of all our adult faculties. Not all are so blessed. Practically everyone has known a relative or acquaintance whose advanced years and poor health have combined to set limits on independence.

One family in five now takes care of an elderly parent. Millions of Americans will care for their aging parents longer than they care for their own children. The burden falls most heavily on female relatives. Three out of four people caring for the elderly are women, The New York Times reports.

None of this is easy.

Caregivers sometimes commit abusive acts when they are unable to cope with the demands of an old person who may not appreciate their efforts, or why may require professional help. Hard economic times, with little hope in sight for a quick recovery, can make paying for professional or residential care unfeasible.

Providing necessary care, whether directly or by payment, can be draining under such circumstances, particularly if a caregiver is also struggling with chemical dependency, marital discord, or other frustrations. Caregivers must provide for their own emotional needs in order to remain effective. Part of this involves sharing responsibilities with other family members, friends, and other caring helpers.

Elder abuse as a form of domestic violence will probably gain more public attention as baby-boomers age. Public concern has grown as popular culture has become increasingly attuned to the plight of victims of a variety of forms of abuse.

The NYS Office of the Aging defines elder abuse as the physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or financial exploitation of older adults. Physical abuse is violence that results in bodily harm or mental distress. Negligence, a more passive form of abuse, is the breach of duty by another, which results in injury or the violation of rights. Financial exploitation involves the theft or conversion of anything of value belonging to the elderly person by a caregiver.

"People who abuse elderly family members may
suffer guilt deeply and perhaps live long enough
to be similarly victimized by a younger generation
that learned by example."

The number of Americans 65 or older who find themselves in this situation has reached 1.5 million (5% of the country's aged), according to a congressional report. Other authorities estimate that more than 80% of elder abuse cases never come to light.

As with child abuse or spouse abuse, many crimes against older people go unreported because victims do not view themselves as physically, financially, mentally or emotionally able to seek help. And often they truly are not. An elderly victim may also feel driven by love or loyalty to protect a son or other loved one from public embarrassment or disgrace.

Reporting a family member to legal authorities, when the facts of the case could perhaps lead to convictions on such serious charges as assault, larceny, or worse, is never easy. It can feel like moral treason in some families. Some things simply must be endured, some older persons might tell themselves.

Cycle of abuse

Abusers frequently minimize or deny that they have inflicted any pain on their victims. When they do come to this realization, they might seek therapy to help themselves stop the problem cycle. A confidential talk with a family doctor or clergy member may also help convert regret into action and change.

People who abuse elderly family members may suffer guilt deeply and perhaps live long enough to be similarly victimized by a younger generation that learned by example. It is important to realize that as long as human beings remain conscious and sentient, they can learn.

Help is available

Protective services are available in New York State through county departments of social services (DSS). A caseworker will assess family needs and coordinate such support as homemaker or housekeeper services, counseling, financial advice, or cash entitlement payments. The Sullivan County DSS, in Liberty, can be reached at 914/292-0100, and the Orange County DSS, in Port Jervis, at 914/856-4497.

Under Title III of the Older Americans Act, each local area has an agency or office for the aging that coordinates diverse services, including transportation, nutrition counseling, home-delivered meals, senior discount ID cards, volunteer and employment opportunities, telephone reassurance, socialization and recreation programs, educational programs, and friendly visitors. The Sullivan County Office for the Aging, in Monticello, can be reached at 914/794-3000, ext. 5000, and the Wayne County Area Agency on Aging, in Honesdale, at [570]/253-4262.

Other places to turn for help include extended family members, lawyers or legal aid societies, clergy and counseling centers or private practitioners. Family-oriented interventions include all family members in service planning. A trained professional may be able to offer objective, expert advice or facilitate a family meeting during which feelings can be aired and suitable alternative solutions generated.

Once upon a time there was an old, old man whose eyes had grown dim, whose ears were deaf, and whose knees trembled. When he sat at the table he could barely hold his spoon, so that his soup spilled on the table-cloth, and some also dribbled from his mouth.

His son and daughter-in-law were disgusted by this, so that in the end the old grandfather had to sit in the corner behind the oven, and they gave him his food in an earthen bowl, and not enough food at that. So he would sadly look over at the table, and his eyes would fill with tears.

One day his trembling hands could not manage to hold on to the little bowl; it fell to the floor and broke. The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they bought him a wooden bowl for a few pennies and he had to eat out of that.

One day, as the family was sitting quietly, the little four-year-old grandson began fitting some little boards together on the floor.

"What are you doing there?" asked the father.

"I'm making a little trough," answered the child, "for Daddy and Mommy to eat from when I get big."

The man and his wife looked at each other for a moment, and began to weep. Immediately they brought the old grandfather to the table, and from then on they did let him eat with them, and if he spilled a bit, they said not a word.

-- from Grimm's Fairy Tales

[A contributing editor to The River Reporter, the writer is a National Certified Counselor in Monticello.]

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Abused elderly need not be isolated

"People who abuse elderly family members may suffer guilt deeply and perhaps live long enough to be similarly victimized by a younger generation that learned by example."

"People who abuse elderly family members may
suffer guilt deeply and perhaps live long enough
to be similarly victimized by a younger generation
that learned by example."