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Thursday, February 27, 1992.
"The Perfect Marriage" supplement.

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The awe and dread of in-laws
By TOM RUE

The awe and dread with which the untutored savage contemplates his mother-in-law are amongst the most familiar facts of anthropology... In New Britain, the native imagination fails to conceive the extent and nature of the calamities which would result from a man's accidently speaking to his wife's mother; suicide of one or both would probably be the only course open to them. The most solemn form of oath a New Briton can take is, 'Sir, if I am not telling the truth, I hope I may shake hands with my mother-in-law.'
Sir J.G. Frazer, The Golden Bough (1939)

Even in modern America, visits with in-laws are sometimes more "awful" or "dreadful" than one would wish or even admit. What about this relationship is so special, so universally understood, that worn-out in-law jokes still have appeal?

Every nuclear and extended family has its own set of rules for behavior. Some children grow up contented and happy with close emotional relationships to their parents and siblings. In other homes, the invisible boundaries of each individual might seem like walls, impermeable and non-negotiable. Yet these families may function happily together, too.

There is no true or best way for families to operate. Each finds its own way of making the best with the resources at its disposal.

When girls and boys reach adolescence, they begin to take an interest in each other. The resulting sexual bond can lead to lifelong relationships as new children are born and as family structures that never existed before are created. Existing family systems actually are being merged. The rules of one spouse's household of origin may or may not be compatible with the rules of the other spouse's, so we make our own rules.

Issues of power and control -- who maintains the checkbook, who initiates sex, who takes care of the children, or who does which household chores -- are not decided by either the husband or wife alone, and are not based entirely on either of their backgrounds. They are determined by compromise and negotiation.
Assimilating new in-laws

Marriage involves joining the family systems of both partners, but this merger is not always simple or easy. The process has been compared to the experience of moving to a new country. When an immigrant applies for citizenship, all parties assume a responsibility. The nation is responsible for helping the stranger learn its language and rules. The immigrant is expected to be flexible and adapt to the nation's different way of life. At the same time, the character of the nation is changed by the incorporation of the new member.

In marriage, both partners are strangers in each others' home countries. As in the above example, if immigrants are received by the dominant culture with suspicion, or if the immigrant resists the nation's ways, criticizes its customs, or refuses to speak its language, assimilation is blocked. Similarly, if existing family members refuse to offer assistance to or accommodate the differences of the in-law entering the relationship, or if they try to remake the person in their own image, again, assimilation is blocked.

When children come into the world they have no opinions, prejudices, tastes, habits or personalities. The newborn is gradually socialized, or molded, in conformance with the family's world view and style.

The "child-in-law," on the other hand, is far from a blank slate. He or she is brought into the family system -- sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes against the family's wishes -- with opinions, prejudices, tastes, habits and personality already established. Introducing the new person into the system can upset the family's equilibrium, at least for a while.

Anything that helps to further assimilation and to maintain a state o[ balance among family relationships is worth trying. Whatever hinders the process is probably worth avoiding.

Complementarity and compromise

People learn to make compromises in their family of origin. Possibilities for growth and positive change are limited when differing styles or role expectations are not accommodated.

Complementarity refers to the roles of family members as they correspond to each other. Difficulties arise when these roles become so rigid, so narrowly defined, or so stereotyped that they no longer complement. This can occur between parents-in-law and their children's families, among siblings, or between young marrieds and eventually ~heir children. When a family takes on a new member, whether through marriage or birth, it is important to hold onto the sense of balance that existed in the family before. Doing this means expectations and behavior may have to change.

When a man standing on a floating raft shifts position, the raft may heave under his feet, but it will not sink or capsize if his movements complement the water flow and the shifting of the raft. By accommodating fluid factors, the man can keep his balance as the craft continues downriver.

A father who is used to phoning his adult son at the crack of dawn to discuss the coming day's concerns may find that his son's bride does not appreciate a ringing telephone at this hour. Or a mother who has always kept close tabs on her daughter's finances, offering helpful loam at generous terms, may feel rejected or hurt if her new son-in-law prefers that such household business be kept private. Some people find it natural to have their parents interfere in personal affairs, offer unsolicited advice, or otherwise speak freely. The parents may accept similar behavior from their own offspring. But such conduct may be perceived differently by in-laws.

Many parents are accustomed to maintaining closeness with their offspring in this way. The behaviors are not bad -- they have served a useful purpose in the family -- but the context is different when the son or daughter is married. It will be necessary to develop new behavior that both maintains this parent-child closeness and respects the new marital relationship. Some parents may resent what they see as the transfer of their offspring's affection from themselves to someone else. Role confusion develops as parents continue to relate to their son or daughter primarily as a child, while the spouse thinks of that person not as a child but as an adult with specific status and responsibilities. Once again, this confusion reflects a breakdown of complementarity.

Maintaining family ties

It is important for newlyweds building a new relationship not to let their subsystem boundaries become so rigid as to cause the extended family to feel locked out. One way to maintain important lies with families of origin is through that family's established rituals -- for example, getting together for the holidays, watching the Superbowl together, having dinner occasionally, going on picnics and camp-outs, and other traditional activities. Recreating with one's spouse and in-laws is an enjoyable way to reinforce family ties.

Pleasure is not the only reason to maintain these connections. With the country presently in the midst of what some economists are calling a depression, social conditions are changing, which means that some young people will not enjoy the same standard of living their parents enjoyed at the same age. To address this some young marrieds live in close proximity to their parents, whether they share a household or build their own home on a subdivided parcel of family land. Many families survived worse economic hardship during the 1930s by helping each other in these and similar ways.

Another way to maintain strong family ties is to care for grandchildren. When both young parents are employed -and even when they are not -- the active participation of grandparents can be an enriching and enjoyable experience for all, providing memories to last a lifetime. Of course there may be philosophical disagreements on such matters as discipline or gift giving, if young parents fear being supplanted. The most important thing is that all parties maintain open channels of intergenerational communication while respecting each others' privacy and rights.

Families and individuals need to be able and willing to bend to changing circumstances. As the disappearance of various animal species demonstrates, flexibility and adaptiveness are necessary for the survival not only of physical origins but also of human relationships.

[A contributing editor for The River Reporter, Tom Rue is a national certified counselor who lives in Monticello.]