Old age: a time for reflections and personal flexibility

By THOMAS RUE

The old man gathers a stack of papers in his arms. Lecture notes mostly, some programmes of scientific conferences with long-ago dates. Correspondence about professional and scientific issues that seemed very important at that time.

He sets the papers down on his desk. Item after item is examined, some swiftly, some with lingering attention. He shakes his head and allows himself a small smile as he finishes with the last paper in the stack. The room has darkened. Almost suppertime already! How the time goes.

The old man again takes up all his papers, except for a few he has carefully sorted out, and moves towards the fireplace. There he gently feeds another chapter of his life to the flames. "Yes dear... I'm coming."

G. Stanley Hall is the man described above, after he completed a career of the highest distinction. A founder and president of the American Psychological Association, in the last half of his life Hall became a pioneer in the field of the psychology of aging. Hall died in 1924, and published to the end of his days.

A generation later, another well known psychologist, Erik H. Erikson, described eight major stages of human development, each with attendant tasks and outcomes. The basic task of the mature individual, Erikson said, is a resolution of the polarity between integrity and despair. Old age is a time of reflection, of recalling the events of a lifetime. To the point that a person has successfully responded to the problems of each of the earlier life stages, she or he establishes a sense of wholeness and integrity, of a life well-lived. If the elderly person looks back with regret, seeing only a series of missed opportunities and failures, the final years will be ones of despair.

The root word of "integrity" implies integration, or the acceptance of life's cycles and major events as inevitable. There may be some regrets -- perhaps a task never attempted -- but overall there is a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. Implicit in this is a love for family, without a wish for any of them to have been significantly different. The person is pleased and comfortable with who they have become.

'...ten years younger'

Each time my barber finishes cutting my hair he assures me, "There you go, ten years younger!" I suspect he says this to other patrons too, and it would be surprising if anyone finds it offensive. The man obviously enjoys his work, and rightly takes pride in it. But there is a message embedded in that innocent ritual statement which is typical of the value our society places on appearing youthful.

Television, print and other media promote a myth that a person's healthiest and most productive years are in their 20s, perhaps with a peak at age 30. That doesn't leave much for the rest of us! A haircut will not restore youthful vitality, any more than a certain brand of blue jeans, cigarettes, vodka or soft drink.

Part of "integrating" as a person means accepting that it is okay to be whatever age you are. Plastic surgery or hair tint will do little to delay life's inevitabilities. Subtle bias against the elderly -- or the process of growing old -- can effect personal self-esteem. A few humiliating experiences are enough to convince some people that they are no longer valid as first-class citizens.

Changing social patterns

As people advance in years, children may marry and move away. There will be losses to death, grief and loneliness. Contact with family members may become less regular. But the presence of grandchildren, or young nieces or nephews, can be fulfilling reminders of the continuity of life and one's place in the generations.

By taking on new activities, or creating new boundaries for themselves, older people can continue to grow as humans and offer much to society. Retirement permits time for growth into new life arenas, whether that be recreation, part-time employment in a field of interest, community service, added spiritual fulfillment, or simply getting to know and enjoy new people.

By contrast, the sense of losing an entire sphere of existence -- such employment or residency -- may bring such stress that a retiree responds by keeping the previous world alive in memory at the cost of ignoring the reality of the new environment and its inhabitants. Another might react to the same objective scenario by firmly shutting out (as best as possible) almost all memories of the former way of life, focusing only on the immediate scene at hand. It hurts too much to think of what has been lost.

It is easy to too readily surrender aspects of one's life, when there is still the capacity to enjoy or recapture. Social flexibility, or adaptiveness, is a learned trait which is mentally healthy at any age.

'Too old for that sort of thing'

Speaking of flexibility, at what age do people stop loving? The desire and need for human intimacy do not disappear with aging. But sexuality in late adulthood is profoundly influenced by popular stereotypes that deny the normality of sexual feelings and capacities at this stage of the life cycle.

Tightly woven into the fabric of gender identity -- one's definition of what it means to be a man or woman (and therefore a person) -- is sexuality.

That reported interest in sexual activity may be shown statistically to decline with advancing age says more about cultural expectations, which become self-fulfilling prophecies, than anything else. Anatomically -- aside from conditions of illness which may exist -- there is no inherent physical loss of sexual function that comes with old age. However, lengthy abstinence may lead to problems in later sexual attempts.

Loss of a life partner, combined with reluctance to become close to someone new, may limit opportunities for social or physical contact. This reluctance could be related to an unfinished grieving process -- perhaps a stifling refusal to see new people out of a morbid "respect" for the deceased. Still, some may genuinely feel satisfied with what has been, and prepared for the end of life.

Preparation

For people who want to arrive at old age in good mental shape, Cleveland social worker Virginia Feil, author of numerous gerontology texts, advises:

Be flexible. Roll with the punches.

Develop all your senses so if one fails, you can rely on others.

Make new goals to replace losses.

And "have lots of keys on your piano." Don't be a "single note" person, with only one role in life, one way of being.

Such preparation takes a lifetime. Becoming ready for the latter part of life means living today as it comes, without accepting other people's artificial limits, imposed by social stereotype or expectations.

[A contributing editor for The River Reporter, Thomas Rue is a National Certified Counselor who lives in Monticello.]

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