The River Reporter
Thursday, March 2, 2000, p. 6., part of a "Youth In Focus" series

Family systems - the root
of personality and society

By TOM RUE

The story of Susan

[NOTE: This is a fictionalized account which could represent any number of teens and their families, anywhere in the U.S.]

Susan, age 15, white, no stated religion, lives with her mother. She was referred for counseling by a caseworker at probation, where she is described as a Person In Need of Supervision (PINS). No one in the family has been in counseling before.

In ninth grade, Susan's school attendance has been sporacdic. She works part-time doing office work. She has stayed out all night more than once with boys. Mother, who appears deeply concerned, describes herself as very involved in Susan's life, and says that while she used to feel Susan was her "best friend," their relationship is now very tense.

Susan's parents have been separated for two months. Susan says she is sexually active and thinks she might be pregnant. She denies having ever been physically or sexually abused. But she disclosed that her mother is upset over a year-long affair she had with a married man twice her age. Susan does not view this relationship as a problem. She believes her mom is over-reacting.

The oldest of five, Susan says her mother often expects her to babysit as well as cook and clean. Mother admits that she has relied on Susan for childcare and help with housework, but she sees this as age-appropriate. Susan says she overheard her father proclaim that he doesn't care about Susan any more; he's fed up and it doesn't matter to him if she stays home or leaves. Susan blames her own mood swings for the emotional distance from her father.

According to Susan, her father is alcoholic as are a number of his family members. Susan says she has seen her parents fight many times when her father has been drunk. Susan views her mother as in charge at home. She admitted, "When I ask to do stuff, I usually go to my mom."

Susan's characterizes her earlier childhood as generally happy, though her father was absent for extended periods due to military obligations.

Susan's relationships outside the family are mostly with boys and men, she says. Her family is not part of her support network. If she needed help with a problem, she says, she would not go to her family. Susan is not able to give a clear indication whose help she would seek.

In her spare time, Susan says she likes to hang out, shop, talk on the phone and listen to music. In these respects, she is a typical teenager.

Though she denies experiencing hallucinations or other symptoms of mental illness, Susan says she frequently sees and converses with her late grandmother, who tells her to improve her behavior. Susan feels comforted by these spiritual visits. When stressed, she tends to hide in her room and cry. Susan admits smoking pot with her current boyfriend, but says getting high is not a central part of the relationship. She smokes a pack of cigarettes a day, and claims to have only tasted alcohol only once when she drank a full pint-bottle of whiskey at a family party three months ago, and blacked out. She first smoked pot at age 11, when it was given to her by an uncle and last smoked (one joint) a week ago. Until her mother filed a PINS petition, Susan admitted, she was getting high every day. She does not see this as a problem, but is willing to follow treatment recommendations if her probation officer says she has to.

In the make-believe family described above, a teenager's self-esteem has been devastated by her parents' behavior.

For reasons largely stemming from alcoholism, her father has simply not been there for her. The mother, now worried about the girl's promiscuity and drug use, has been overwhelmed by her husband's infidelities and absences. As Susan ages into adulthood, it is likely her siblings will begin to demonstrate behavior like hers. Unresolved problems are likely to affect her selection of a mate, who will match the dysfunctional cycles in her family of origin. Thus will the cycle continue.

It is not too late for such a family to benefit from therapy. It is never too late.

The first goals would be for the father to stop drinking and for Susan to stop using other drugs. Perhaps both father and daughter need to spend some time in rehabs, where they can intensively focus on underlying issues. But family treatment would be recommended.

Regardless whether the adults stay married, by attending therapy together (or at least with their children) and being honest with each other, they may be able to undo some of the harm done by the "family disease" of alcoholism, and their destructive interactions with each other.

Parental love for the children is evident in this story-although Dad's is largely masked by his behavior while drunk and absent.

The story of Susan is typical of an alcoholic family in the sense that members learn not to express feelings. A young woman responds to sadness and isolation by sitting in her room crying, or talking to her dead relatives about how "bad" she is. She looks to boys, or an older man, for love and affection. She is only beginning to realize that these guys don't care for her like her mother does.

Very often, teenagers are identified as the source of problems in families. Therapists refer to this process as scapegoating. In family therapy, blame for systemic problems can rarely be assigned to any one person. Blaming does not help solve problems.

Of course, Susan is responsible for her choices. She will live with the results of some of her choices for years. But she is not responsible for the feelings and circumstances that led her into those choices. Neither parent is fully to blame either.

By opening up to each other in a safe, supported setting like a therapy session, parents and children can help each other see the effects of what they are doing. They can realize that they are cared for and loved at home. In general, people tend to make the best choices they can under their circumstances. When they make poor selections, circumstances need to be changed so can they learn to make better ones. This can be done by bringing family members into counseling.