A self-esteem checklist for parents

A definition of who one is—in body, personality, soul, and society—is shaped in childhood and, to a lesser extent, continuously reshaped in later life. A question parents have asked is, "What can I to help my daughter or my son develop a healthy self-concept?"

These are a few general principles, with some examples:

1. Respect your child’s space and privacy. Try not to interrupt them when they are completing a task. Respect their need to spend time relaxing and with their friends.

2. Respond to your child’s questions and concerns by using the "sandwich method"—i.e., first repeat back, in a positive way, what it is they are asking or telling you. As in, "I hear that you want to go to the party Friday night, and that it is important for you to spend time with your friends." Then give your advice/feedback. "I am worried about supervision, and need to know the parents will be home. I need to know you will be in a safe situation." End positively, as in "I am glad you have friends, and I will help you work this out."

3. Give approval to your child. Praise them EVERY DAY for something, large or small.

4. Give encouragement to your child. Show that you support them by attending a basketball game or watching a TV show with them. Remind them of their strengths and goodness, as in, "I like how responsible you are about getting yourself up and off to school."

5. Focus on the child’s strengths and assets, with positive expectations. Look for positive changes, and reinforce the positive with verbal strokes and rewards. Showing pleasure when a child helps around the house is more effective than complaining when they don’t. "Catch" the child being good, not just when they’re not.

6. Participate together. Share experiences which expand knowledge, including multicultural and gender awareness. Take trips together, even if they’re local. Have fun. As an adult, you can pick activities that teach the kinds of values that you think are important and sneak in a lesson or two. Starting young is good, but it’s never too late to enjoy each other’s company. The important thing is to have fun together.

7. Guide your child with reason and love. Emphasize that your child is in control of his or her behavior and its consequences. Set limits with words, modeling the type of non-violent behavior that you hope your child will learn.

8. Have faith. Show trust by permitting appropriate levels of freedom and responsibility. People learn by making choices. Sometimes we need to be allowed to make a wrong choice and even to fail in order to learn. Being a parent means helping a child up after a fall. We can’t prevent every slip.

9. Be open. Show respect. Listen to your child’s opinions and suggestions. Encourage participation in group decision making. Allow your child to make some choices, no matter how young they are. Such choices might begin with which of two outfits to wear to school, and evolve to more difficult choices. If this goes well, the child may even begin to ask for your opinion.

10. Communicate unconditional love. Discipline must be rooted in love. (Notice that the word here is "discipline" not "punishment") Examples could include withholding of privileges, "time out" in a bedroom, or the like. Consequences for a poor choice should follow as naturally as those for good behavior. Your specific expectations for the child will depend in part on your own spiritual or religious orientation. Model for your child the sort of unconditional love and patience that your belief system teaches.