Talking about fairness in love and marriage

By THOMAS RUE

"Love and War are the same thing, and stratagems and policy are as allowable in the one as in the other," were the cynical words of Cervantes. As in many such sayings, there may be a very small grain of truth to be found in Don Quixote's words, though not in the popular rationalization which carries things one step further, that "All is fair in love and war."

All is not fair.

After the bells have rung and the wedding night is over, couples settle down to daily living and normal disagreements resume. Allowed to fester, minor disputes can turn into hurtful arguments or even violence.

Many couples keep love alive by creating for themselves certain boundaries or rules of fairness, which they establish (openly or covertly) as they get to know each other and live together. Learning to fight fairly is an essential element of any successful marriage. Rules for fair fighting are as essential to a relationship as those laid down by the Marquis of Qeensberry in prize-ring boxing.

The difference is that each couple makes their own rules, rather than going into the ring with an established rule book. There is a good chance that what works in one relationship may not work in another. People and couples are different.

Sometimes people marry expecting to replicate their parents' relationship. This mistake is bound to create problems. Do not expect your spouse to behave like your opposite-sex parent, any more than you would want that expected of you.

In an age when gender roles are starting to change, stereotypes of the passive wife or domineering husband are no longer valid. Traditionally, women and men have been socialized to express anger, or manipulate others to get what they want, in different ways. Depending on the situation, these styles may or may not be the healthiest or most productive way of relating.

Sandra Bem, a psychologist at Cornell University noted for her research on the role gender plays in personality development, suggests men and women can both gain by allowing themselves to be flexible in the personal styles they use to express feelings.

For both husband and wife, maintaining clear personal boundaries -- including respecting each the other's privacy and personal space -- is vital. Clear boundaries exist when each knows where his or her self ends and the other person begins. part of this involves setting limits on what you are, and are not, willing to endure for the sake of the relationship -- physical violence, for example.

After gaining an understanding of your own needs, and holding a remembrance of your love for each other, comes the importance of trust. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear," a Christian apostle wrote (I John 1:4).

Jealousy is fear, and irrational jealousy suggests interpersonal boundaries may lack clarity. Partners may need to take a step backward to realize how unnecessary their worries are, given the other's fidelity. "Perfect love and perfect trust" are worthy goals in any marriage, however difficult to attain.

In cases where a breach of trust or an infidelity has occurred, partners may need to asses how important the present relationship truly is to each of them. Why did she or he stray; was something missing from the mixture at home?

Marriage or relationship counseling may help gain some perspective. Couples having trouble communicating, who value their marriage, should never be too proud to seek outside intervention. Talking to parents, relatives, friends or others whose marriages are viewed as happy might help.

Professional counselors, social workers or clergy can be other resources. Community mental health clinics offer counseling services on a sliding scale, dependent on income. Counselors in private practice can also be found in most communities.

Before entering treatment, couples seeking counseling should know something about the theoretical orientation of the therapist, to be sure it is what they are looking for. Does the couple want a professional who will respond from a strong religious base? If so, many major denominations offer trained marriage counselors who share a common value system. How do you relate to the counselor as a person? For interracial, gay/lesbian, or other nontraditional couples, it is essential the therapist harbor no destructive biases.

A counselor might ask partners to examine the division of power in their relationship. A metaphor sometimes used couples counseling is that power in a marital relationship is like a pound of hamburger. How the hamburger is divided may change or vary with circumstances. For example, one partner might exercise control over the family checkbook, while the other may be primarily responsible for making decisions concerning the children.

Who decides about birth control? Is this truly a "woman's issue," or does the potential father share an active role? Once children are on the scene, who is the disciplinarian -- Mom or Dad? What about employment and division of household labor? And how are disagreements in any of these areas handled? Often a counselor will suggest meeting together with the children and couple on some occasions, to get a fuller picture of family functioning.

Another issue which can be addressed in marital counseling concerns the intimate moments of contact when souls touch. How a woman and a man relate to each other in bed or elsewhere reflects more than mere chemistry. If something seems missing, the deficit is probably more emotional than physical. An initial screening by a physician, prior to commencing sex counseling, might be recommended to rule out any organic problems. But learning to talk openly about needs and desires -- perhaps permitting yourselves to act out an erotic fantasy together -- or tenderly engaging in childlike fun with your spouse can add happy years to a relationship.

Of course, the vast majority of couples who have lived and died in our society -- or who are alive today -- have functioned perfectly well without ever participating in anything called therapy or counseling. Most folks get by just fine without professional involvement, thank you. And that's terrific!

Make your own rules, based on fairness and love. Treat each other gently and with respect. Be honest and faithful to the vows and promises you make, and treat your spouse as you would be treated. Never let your relationship or interests stagnate. Keep the lines of communication open. Trust your partner and be worthy of trust in return.

Just like a person, a marriage does not need to be sick to get better.

[A contributing editor for The River Reporter, Thomas Rue is a National Certified Counselor who lives with his wife, Carmen, and three children, in Monticello.]

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