Child Abuse

Remarks to the

UPPER DELAWARE UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST FELLOWSHIP

Child Abuse

meeting at Innisfree
Milanville, Pennsylvania
Sunday, March 3, 1991

by Tom Rue, M.A.,NCC
press release

I am speaking this morning on a topic which garners sensational attention in the popular press. It is a real issue, with massive proportions. I am talking about the victimization of children, either sexually or physically.
The meaning of physical abuse is relatively clear, including excessive corporal punishment or acts of violence by an adult against a child.
In strictest, child sexual abuse may been defined as: "The sexual use or exploitation. of a child under age 18 by a parent or other person responsible for the care or welfare of the child. This definition includes out-of-home care providers such as teachers and day-care workers. A more general definition of child sexual abuse is any sexual activity imposed on a child by someone at least five years older. Child sexual abuse encompasses a variety of behaviors ranging from fondling and exhibitionism to incest and forcible rape, as well as using a child in prostitution or for pornographic purposes. Child sexual abuse includes both non-touching and touching experiences" ("About Child Sexual Abuse", William Gladden Foundation, 1986).
In researching for her book The Secret Trauma, Diane Russell surveyed 930 women, using good scientific methodology. Her sample was chosen at random from census tracts. Sixteen percent of Russell's respondents reported being sexually abused as children by a close adult family member. Other studies cite figures as high as three in ten women and 10% of men. It is difficult to know with certainty, since we can only rely on reports. Some reports are made while abuse is still ongoing. Others are not made until years later, by adult survivors.
According to figures released by the US Department of Health & Human Services in 1985:

  • In almost 98% of known cases, the child is abused in the home by close relatives, family friends or neighbors. The single largest group of abusers (77%) are parents.

  • Sexual abusers come from all socio-economic backgrounds, and as many as 75% were abused themselves as children.

  • Aside from their sexual hang-ups, most abusers lead respectable lives and are often considered "pillars of the community". (Often, they are fairly likable people, if you can separate out your moral judgements about their behavior, and the pain they have caused).

  • Children who have been sexually abused will frequently keep it secret. They may be afraid no one will believe them, or those they love will be harmed or even killed. This may be the result of threats, sometimes deadly serious, made by the perpetrator.

  • All sexual behavior is learned. Children observe or experience it. Sudden unusual behavior by a child should be investigated quickly. The cause may be sexual assault. When young children display age-inappropriate sexual knowledge or, the source of this knowledge or awareness should be explored.

Some abusers threaten children into compliance. Others cleverly persuade them to accept guilt for their own victimization. There may be other reasons for children failing to report, such as past experiences.
During a family counseling session just this past week, a 10-year-old girl told me her mother's 35-year-old boyfriend had been fondling her and rubbing his sexual organs against her for at least several months. The girl was reluctant to tell anyone about the experience because five years ago she was more severely sexually abused by a family friend. She told her mother, who reported the incident to police. After a lengthy police investigation and criminal trial, as the girl's mother told me, "the guy walked". In the same family, a 12-year-old boy was molested a year ago by a male friend in his early 20s. Once again, the mother acted appropriately by reporting the incident to police and taking the boy for counseling. The police investigation failed to yield sufficient evidence, and charges were never filed. It's no wonder this young girl was unsure whether to report what her stepfather was doing. This time, when the girl told her brother a week ago what was happening, and they together informed mother, mother debated within herself whether to tell anyone. She waited a week, until our next scheduled appointment, before disclosing it. And even that was only after it was brought up by the children in our session.
Another report I had to make this week was for alleged physical maltreatment of a teenage boy who complained of being beaten by his grandmother with an extension cord on one occasion early last fall. The legal requirement on me to report this incident initially seemed less clear to me, and I had mixed feelings about doing it, because the old grandmother is a respected member of the community. Also, the boy made the disclosure to me only after having had an argument with her. His report of being beaten with a cord last fall, while factually true (the grandmother admitted it), was made out of anger and a clear attempt to manipulate the system. However, after consulting with my supervisor, I agreed that as a mandated reporter, I had no choice but to report the allegation for investigation by Child Protective Services.
Under the laws of both states (including New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey), professionals having contact with children (quoting from N.Y.S. Social Service Law): "are required to report or cause a report to be made...when they have reasonable cause to suspect that a child coming before them in their professional or official capacity is an abused or maltreated child, or when they have reasonable cause to suspect that a child is an abused or maltreated child where the parent, guardian, custodian or the person legally responsible for such child comes before them in their professional or official capacity and states from personal knowledge facts, conditions or circumstances which, if correct, would render the child an abused or maltreated child" (SSL 413.1).
In addition to mandated reporters, any person having reasonable cause to suspect that any child is being abused or maltreated is permitted to make a report to Child Protective Services. The phone numbers are:

New York (800)342-3720 (for the general public)
(800)342-3720 (for mandated reporters only)
Pennsylvania (800)932-0313 (for anyone to call)
The experience of sexual abuse is bad enough for the victim. But following disclosure, she or he is often victimized further by the social service and legal systems.



DEAR ABBY
DEAR ABBY: Recently my husband and I heard Norman Early, the district attorney from Denver, speak on the criminal justice system -- from the victim's point of view.
He read the enclosed account of a victim of incest. Her name is "Cindy" and she is 12. I thought it worthy of inclusion in your column. I hope you agree -- Mary Dean Armstrong.
DEAR MARY: I do. And here it is:
Promises, Promises
-- A Child's View of Incest
I asked you for help and you told me you would if I told you the things my dad did to me. It was really hard for me to say all those things, but you told me to trust you -- then you made me repeat them to 14 different strangers.
I asked you for privacy and you sent two policemen to my school in front of everyone, to "go downtown" for a talk in their black and white car -- like I was the one being busted.
I asked you to believe me, and you said that you did, then you connected me to a lie detector, and took me to court where lawyers put me on trial like I was a liar. I can't help it if I can't remember times or dates or explain why I couldn't tell my mom. Your questions got me confused -- my confusion got you suspicious.
I asked you for help and you gave me a doctor with cold metal gadgets and cold hands... just like my father, who said it wouldn't hurt, just like my father, who said not to cry. He said I look fine -- good news for you. You said, bad news for my "case".
I asked you for confidentiality and you let the newspaper get my story. What does it matter that they left out my name when they put in my father's and our home address? Even my best friend's mother won't let her talk to me anymore.
I asked for protection and you gave me a social worker who patted my head and called me "Honey" (mostly because she could never remember my name). She sent me to live with strangers in another place, with a different school.
Do you know what it's like to live where there's a lock on the refrigerator, where you have to ask permission to use the shampoo, and where you can't use the phone to call your friends? You get used to hearing, "Hi, I'm your new social worker, this is your new foster sister, dorm mother, group home." You tiptoe around like a perpetual guest and don't even get to see your own puppy grow up.
Do you know what it's like to have more social workers than friends?
Do you know what it feels like to be the one that everyone blames for all the trouble? Even when they were speaking to me, all they talked about was lawyers, shrinks, fees and whether or not they'll lost the mortgage. Do you know what it's like when your sisters hate you, and your brother calls you a liar? It's my word against my own father's. I'm 12 years old and he's the manager of a bank. You say you believe me -- who cares, if nobody else does?
I asked you for help and you forced my mom to choose between us -- she chose him, of course. She was scared and had a lot to lose. I had a lot to lose too -- the difference was you never told me how much.
I asked you to put an end to the abuse -- you put an end to my whole family. You took away my nights of hell and gave me days of hell instead. You've exchanged my private nightmare for a very public one.

-- Feelings by Cindy, Age 12;
Put into words by Kee MacFarlane II

© 1988



Keep in mind that mental health counseling is available not only for victims and families, but for perpetrators too. In cases of incest, this may include a goal of reuniting the family, if the offender has been court ordered to stay out of the home until completing treatment. Sometimes, however, if the offender is not amenable to treatment, usually as a condition of probation, a reunion is not desirable. In these cases, incarceration is the only alternative. However, jail alone has been shown to have little effect on future behavior in these type of offenses, and the offender will be out within a few years at most. I would venture to say that in all cases where abuse has occurred, family therapy would be desirable, to address the feelings of the victim and family members, as well as to correct the systemic breakdown which may have contributed to the offense occurring in the first place.
In Sullivan County, the agencies to contact for assistance would be the Department of Social Services or any of the mental health clinics with the Department of Community Services. In Wayne County, Children & Youth Services or the Northeast Tri-County Mental Health/Mental Retardation Center.
One of the unfortunate side-effects of the prevalence of child sexual abuse, or of increasing publicity, is that volunteer organizations are becoming harder pressed to find suitable volunteers. Good people are sometimes afraid of unfounded allegations being made.
According to an article in The New York Times, August 5, 1990, entitled "Presumption of perversion - Sexual misconduct stigma worries organizations":

"Many youth programs have taken steps to prevent... the potential for wrong impressions and protecting boys and girls from being molested. Many experts worry that these new rules and social attitudes toward casual conduct between adults and children may be stifling positive relationships.
"The Boy Scouts of America has a new rule that bans any Scoutmaster from spending time alone with members of a troop out of sight of another Scout leader or parent. The Scouts' 1990 handbook, provided to more than two million Scouts over the age of 10, addresses molesting directly; the watchwords are 'recognize, resist and report.'
"The Boys Clubs of America, with 1.4 million boys and girls 6 to 18 years old in local clubs, has adopted a directive that no staff member leave a club with a child without an accompanying adult.
"Big Brothers of America is faced with even more daunting concerns because it tries to build emotional trust between lonely boys and mostly unmarried male volunteers. It has advised against overnight visits with volunteers, long a mainstay of the programs, and requires all its 488 local agencies to provide the 50,000 children they serve each year with sexual abuse information.
"'There may be as many as 500,000 victims of serious sexual abuse every year in this country,' said Ann Cohen, executive director of the National Committee for the Prevention of Sexual Abuse, one of the leading research and educational organizations on the subject. In nine out of 10 sexual abuse cases, men are the victimizers.
"'What we have to guard against is that we don't close the door on appropriate roles for men to be warm and comforting to children because of some misplaced belief that they are suspect when they get too close,' said James S. Cameron, executive director of the Federation of Child Abuse and Neglect."
In considering a suspicion you^nave that a child you know might be experiencing abuse, it is helpful to keep certain indicators in mind.
Professional literature suggests that abused children often show:
  • disorganized development
  • acting out (cry for attention and/or low self-esteem)
  • confusion between love, sex and affection (this evolves into "learned seductive behavior"
  • alienation/estrangement from non-offending parent - take on caretaking role - learned helplessness
  • poor peer relationships
  • guilt

Offenders may fit the following description, although it is important to remember that incest and other child abuse occurs in families of all socio-economic religious backgrounds. He may:
  • feel inadequate in adult relationships - come from an abusive background himself
  • feel justified, that he "isn't hurting anyone"
  • rationalize sexual interactions
  • have inadequate sexual information
  • feel that his home is "his castle" (sexist manner of relating to women)
  • alcoholism or other drug abuse is quite common
Non-offending parents may:
  • come from a background of abuse
  • fear family disintegration and being alone in a parenting role
  • not be a good nurturer
  • have inadequate sexual information
  • alcoholism or other drug abuse is also quite common
To complete the picture, functional dynamics common in incest families often include:
  • role reversal and confusion
  • social isolation
  • a rigid moral code (prohibiting extramarital sex)
  • intergenerational occurrences
  • imbalance of power, knowledge and experience
  • fear of family disintegration; and
  • secrecy.
To prevent child sexual abuse, adequate sex education in school is absolutely necessary. This can begin at a pre-school level, discussing concepts like "good touch", "bad touch", and making children aware of their social support networks. "Who would you go to if you had a serious problem?" Make sure the list includes both parent figures, teachers, counselors, clergy, or other professionals. Children need to know that they have the power to say no to unwanted physical contact. They need to have safe places to turn if problems arise, and caring adults who will believe and protect them.



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